Reflections

If you want to meet me
I am waiting at lost and found
For someone to look after me
Stuck on a shelf like I am spellbound

Take me into your longing arms
And don't let me go
Keep me to yourself
And feel my little plush heart glow

Don't mind the bite marks
I have collected along my way
If you want forever
Well I can try my best to stay

I can't save you
But you can put all your hope in me
And all your dreams too
And I'll be quiet
As quiet as I can be

Don't mind the bite marks
They have their own rights
They show the past
There is no promise
Just the intention
For something to last

No music and no picture
Ever brings you back
Memories hide in the dark

Before you could remember me
The way I thought I'd been
You will forget the things
That you thought you had seen

And now there's only this bleak
Void inside of me
And when I open my hands
There's nothing to set free

Now I watch you losing
Your memory
And any sense for a relationship
Between you and me

Is this the end
Of a deserted way
And is there really nothing
Left for us to say

They say there is a butterfly
Inside your head
It must be one with broken wings
Because it ties you to the bed

And I can never really understand
And I can never really understand

Is this your legacy
That you leave me
Is this everything
You hoped for you and me
And one thing
That I don't really see
Is why you once chose me
If you can't stand me being me
Now my exclusion means
I have no family
Only dependencies
To uncertain degrees

Do you count the time
That I'm away
For me it's cruel denial
Day after day
Did you build this boat
Just to watch it sway
I know you judge it
As duty to obey
But do you believe your words
When you pray
This is no sacrifice
This is just decay
And maybe I'd be lonely anyway
But it's an endless fray
To have no home to stay

I can see the future
It's out there on the streets
Just as pale as present
It's in everyone I meet

It's in every moment
That you hesitate
To say goodbye

I can see your eyes
And feel how dim they'll be
And when I hear your words
They're already dead to me

They fall quietly
Like a distant
Echoed lullaby

There is no escape
And no sense to build upon
Better feel the miracle
Before it's moving on

Before it is
Forever
Out of sight

I do know black is not a colour
But it's the colour of my heart
And darkness is the state
For any light to start

For any light
To shine
Through the night

Then there was a time
When there was nothing left to feel
Another box packed up
And enclosed with a seal

Another void
Another emptied tape
Another brick in the wall
That starts to assume shape

The tree is cut in two
It has lost all its leaves
Will young shoots
Rise from the seeds

Still holding on with all
The heavy bones that ache
When knowing there's no real life
Inside of a fake

In death's hands I'm feeling small
The restless unseen is growing tall
Deadly hands grab at a crawl
I cannot hear my own wake up call

I put myself up against the wall
I am the cause to my own fall
I am the worst thing in the world
I am what I am
Whole or not at all

And still my heart beats inside my chest
It just takes care of me that I can last
And still my lungs hurt when I breathe
How could I ever dare to leave
And still my blood flows like a river deep and wide
And I don't ever want to stem the tide
And still my hands shake with everything I feel
And I let it happen cause this is real
And I'm alive
I am alive

The heated sun keeps shining
Beyond the soaked clouds
Slight drips of hope everywhere

In the heat of the crackling fire
Suddenly you come near
In fright of all the animals
I'm so glad that they appeared

It's like when we're sharing tea
In the calm of the night and then
Your soft fingers touching
Half-accidentally my hand

This precious time that feels
Like seconds expand to days
Spreading sparks from heart to heart
In every possible way

In the patience of your eyes
Dissolves my need for disguise
A shortcut from mind to mind
Lit up by fireflies

I want to cut the line
And tear out all the other pages
I want to stop time
And put these moments into little cages

And we wouldn't move
And never talk again
We'd leave it that open
No need for a further plan

I want to cut the line
And tear out all the other pages
I want to stop time
And put these moments into little cages

If only we could stop
These vessels from being filled
Right at the moment
Before they burst
I know we would swallow
And drown in the flood
Glad enough to forget
That we are cursed

I want to cut the line
And tear out all the other pages
I want to stop time
And put these moments into little cages

I want to cut the lights
And hide and hide and hide

Tension
Compulsion
The extract of a year
Find sense in improvement
To cope with all my fears

It's time for fireworks
Explosions in the sky
I won't let that year go
It covers me so tight

I cannot bare my roots
What have I been outgrown
I spit that failure over you
When I know it's just my own

I have to run away from you
And everyone I know
And catch up with my memories
And the slightest hint of growth

I don't want to sound mad
But I guess we should think straight
It's still not too late
To settle in a different state

My life is stuck on repeat
I swallow and swallow
While I pretend to eat
From crooked hands
That seem to never
Hesitate to feed

Every feeling is just a bleak
Imitation of the books
We tried to read
To make us feel
A little less alone
And frightened and weak

Every day is just the same
It's a loop that's playing
Over and over again
And it feeds back
Into the noise
Thickened to a sound of pain

Every night is just a trial
To desperately escape it all
Meanwhile
Life goes on
And shows its teeth
To anyone in hit-and-run style

What was meant to last forever
Is now a prey of time
Eroding by its wounds
Writhing in decline

From now forever twisting
With teeth around my neck
Pressing even harder
When trying to pull back

How could I let this happen
How could I let you drift away
Why did my hopeless hands push you
When they wanted to pull you to stay

And now I am helpless and lost
All the memories fall out of place
And the time is running out
We hold our future in deadly embrace

Dead ends in both directions
No chance to leave
Impossible to stay
No space to breathe

What was meant to last forever
Is now a prey of time
Eroding by its wounds
Writhing in decline

Now I'm a ghost
And I live in this apartment
Well you can't see me
You can only
Hear me howling
From time to time

And my presence
Disturbs your sleep
I'm so sorry
What can I do
What can I do
I am what I am

Now I'm a nightmare
To your once sweet dreams
And I cannot be escaped
The bedroom is a mausoleum
Noone ever knows
If anyone is in there anymore

Still my shadow is growing
It shatters your dreams
And I'm so sorry
What can I do
What can I do
I am what I am

Is everything now just falling apart
Doomed within our broken hearts
Could we protect just a little spark
Something new that we can hold on to

And I'm so sorry
What can I do
What can I do
Now that I'm a ghost

Nowhere

Nowhere fast
Into a present tense
In which I am past
Building bridges
Just to see them burn
Coming so far
Just to turn

Nowhere

Nowhere to last
I'm a paper plane
A slave of cast
On a paper chase
For the ivory tower
The anchor awaiting
My idle hour

I know it's again
Only what I pretend
I know it's again
Only what I pretend

The place I had known
Is something I've been outgrown
I feed my fears
Like a hungry dog
To write something
In my test log
Sleeping under
Moon and stars
Sleeping on
My own wars

Nowhere
Yes, but fast
Into uncertainty
That will last
Like rain that falls
Like rain that's building walls
Still working the sadness
After all these years
Still working the sadness
After all these years
I know it's again
Only what I pretend

Something that I
Thought would die
With a fast breath
Never left

Something that I
Wished all the time
To go away
Just stayed

That's why I made a sign
For me to know that I'm 
Not alone
I know I'm error-proned

Remind that you're not alone
Remind that you're not alone
Oh I wish I knew
Oh I hope that's true

Two hearts beat in my chest
I can never decide
Motion I cannot dissolve
Confusion I cannot hide
I know failure and its consequence
It's working on my bones

Let's go out tonight
And collide with grief
This could be the place
I searched for years to leave
Rethink my situation
Respell my name again

We behave like water molecules
For the part of a second we connect
Just the wink of the eye
Until we defect

It just ends up
Like we all end up
Like a mistake

That has been a landslide
I collapse, we collide
I can't take back any word I said
Will it be forgotten after sunset

This wave came just crashing
Air bubbles were gushing
I move my extremities to swim
Around me the light is getting dim

Panic takes possession of me
I can't open my eyes to see
Swallowing water while drawing breath
I can feel the water's wrath

How far had I had come to notice
This tenderly singing low bliss
That I await just like a longer
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

That has been a landslide
I collapse, we collide
I can't take back any word I said
Will it be forgotten when I am dead

How far had I had come to feel
I await the truth to reveal
I await it just like a longer
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Something seems to come to my mind
It's an idea or something of that kind
It's just not another whim
I don't want a rescue
I can swim

It's not that I couldn't follow you
To the traps that you have laid out
It's just that I don't see a chance
To find a place there among the crowd

It's not that I couldn't fall for you
Even from the highest highs
It's just that I don't see a space
To land between all these guys

I've seen this just
Over and over
Over and over
Over and over
Again

Before I couldn't speak
I couldn't think clearly
You know I said that
I said that early
Before I knew you
I didn't know what I lack
Before I was away
I couldn't come back
Before I talked to you
I didn't know what I thought
Before I spoke the words
I didn't know what I sought
Before I knew you
I didn't know what I lack
Before I was away
I couldn't come back

Staring at the walls these days
Where I used to see the sun
I cannot feel certainty
For anyone

A tendency to lose friends
According to the way
That time descends
All I could say
To those who are gone is
I'm sorry for everyone

Some hands grab
At the back of my head
The back door is open
The city is dead

I employ excuses
That are wearing thin
A make-believe
To give it a spin

Another pill
Another sop
I slow down
To a stop

I coil up
While I'm caught in this trap
That I set by myself
To avoid the gap

We want to sing
And yet we stammer
We swear to each other
And feel like a scammer

Get into your dress
Get into your rag
Give me your hand
We recover this wreck

Fatal fate
I am not done
With this one

Autumn arrives with a breeze
How calm is the lake
I am still thinking of you

I'm a little nervous
I don't know what to expect
I lie awake at night
With all these ghosts under my bed

I can control my hands
But I can't control my heart
And I can feel my pulse
Is pushing me to start

Every word you write
Makes me miss you more
I miss you all the time

Every move you make
Fuels my hungry head
To incinerate my mind

I am too excited
I cannot find to sleep
I still the waters
And run deep

I'm a dragonfly
 Lost at sea
Watching waves
Crushing underneath

They bury everything
That's meant to sink to the ground
And after swirling madly
They will settle without a sound

I'm halfway between earth
And a million dying sights
I can't tell them apart
From the fading city lights

I'm a dragonfly
 Lost at sea
Watching waves
Crushing underneath

The curtain draws
The play is over
Everybody please
Leave the stage

The script has run
Out of words
And the makeup
Is showing its age

And there's no more need
To scratch and bleed
To act or fake
Inside a cage

No more fear
To miss the cue
No more lies
To be told

A helpless thought
Reflecting ache
You didn't age
You just got old

Now please turn off the lights
And lock the doors
This house must fall
To break the mold

The room is filled
With moans and chill
With life's regrets
And signs of death

There's no more glow
The paint's peeled off
Just an empty vault
For the final breath

Tension swings
Like a wrecking ball
Ready to batter down
All likelihood 
And stats and math

This life is a miracle
It's for the better and the worse
Sometimes I can't hide the thought
That to me it feels like a curse

All that I was looking forward to
Is now a dried out brook
Now I can't remember my own thoughts
And I can't look at the notes I took

Because all I see is this pixeled scan
That I was singing a song to
And now I don't know
If I will ever sing it again

And although everything changed once again
There's a feeling that stays
There's a map that's drawn into the sand
With hundreds of new ways

And I want to discover all of them
I want to turn every stone
I want to rest on the side of the path
And try to set my bone

And I will wear a scar
Noone else can see
And I have to accept
If that's what was meant to be
And I will find some meaning
In this crashing absurdity

This life is a miracle
And it's never really understood
And now I can't go back
To the place where I once stood

Because all I see is this scan
And I want to sing again

Trying to align
My life on the spine
Of a cupboard on a shaking wall
Memories tremble then they fall
Into the abyss of a quiet noise
That still hangs this life at poise

Trying to forget
Everything about regret
One year left to make a change
One year left to rearrange
Or let go of the tragedy
Escape the claws of malady

Trying to resist
The imperative to exist
No need for making up a sense
For a past that lives in present tense
No therapy can stop the wake
Of a life inside an earthquake

No chance to find
The button to rewind
Shut the eyes in order to see
The life that fakes inside debris
On the edge of a razor blade
All talk is just barren trade

No chance to believe
In anything but grief
Noone would have ever guessed
Sublimity's tremendousness
That weighs down like a hole
Like living in a goldfish bowl

Cold spotlight eyes
Cut the darkest nights
A weeping willow grows inside
The strange grace of a dying pride
Limbs floating all around
It's leaves don't make a sound

There is no hope
At the end of a rope
One year left to make a change
One year left to rearrange
Can this ruin be
A new beginning for me

We're lost
We left the mark
Our fear glows in the dark

Visible for
Every beast of prey
Oh we're ready for decay

Since you left I feel like in a free fall
My heart beats faster and I can't do anything at all

In this desert
In this world of ice
In this desert
In this world of ice

We're lost
We're just too far
Our fear flows like
The polar star

Oh wasted wordws
Oh wasted words
I know

The world appears puzzling
In ways like serpentines
My eyes stick to shadows
Restless like they're on turpentine
They scurry through the alley
And through the teardrop rain
The family tree splitted and broke
But still seems to maintain
That life once far away
Seems now to be so close
Like the disappeared voices
That I love the most
In a hurry I forgot
How to reveal the confused plot
How to find my spot
How to start and how to stop

Oh wasted wordws
Oh wasted words
I know

My thoughts in a digital urn
That won't save my turn
Time's teeth wear on me
When I thought I'd bite eternity

Twenty-four hours to lose
My head in a data noose
This is an emergency call
I think I cannot route at all

Every headline is a task
Every question has a need to be asked
Time's teeth wear on me
When I thought I'd bite eternity

Nothing can stop its heart from beating
Nothing can stop its mouth from eating

I am so overcome
With all the things that never get done
This is an emergency call
I think I cannot route at all

If only the world could be in black and white
I'd definitely know how to judge
Now that it isn't
I don't know that much

If the horizon could be a single point
One spot
I'd know what to dream of
Now I don't dream a lot

If we had a direction
We could run away
Now that we haven't
We can only stay

Oh let's run away
Oh let's run away

It must have been a feeling
That you gave away
There could have been colour
Where you turned pale grey

You used to have a shape
And now you start to fall apart
There's just a socket left
Where there used to be a heart

Can't you see the difference
Between dream and make-believe
When it's up to you
What's kept up in your sleeve

It must have been a feeling
That you gave away
There could have been colour
Where you turned pale grey

You cannot fall forever
One day you need to make a stand
Don't fear the fall
But fear to land

How excited we were
All the expectations we shared
Made our heart work to come on stream
Like a steam machine

Trial
Error
Trial
Error
Trial
Success

Excitement makes us hold our breath
Expectations keep us in suspense to death
Bonfire lights
On silvery nights

The Greeks were right
They saw every side
It seems they had revealed
What's now in us:
The electric feel

Everywhere I go
I feel like I slow
Just a little bit
Just a little bit
More

Everywhere I roam
I think that you can come
Just around the corner
Just around the corner

Everywhere I turn
I see your eyes burn
Just for me
Just for me
Just for nothing

Everywhere
Nothing

Every
  thing

When I awoke
Nothing really had changed
Not the pictures on my bedside table
That I had arranged
Not the colour on my wall
That I once had chosen
Not the warmth of my bed
Not my feet deep frozen

Get up get out
Get prepared for the shower tub
Drink tea in the kitchen
Check the words on the stub

It says

Stay up
Be kind
Wait for the calls
Fix your meal
Get a free deal
Get up
Get out

Get up get out
Feel the rain on my face
Get in the car
The rain melts the visual gaze

I'm driving around
Like breaking away from a track hound
I pull the wiper
But it's something of a kind of useless actions
After two seconds I go blind again
Again
I go blind again
I could as well wipe with my hands failing which
A running wiper delay control switch

Another year and I feel just
One step closer to the rust

Go
Go with the birds
There's already snow on the firs
Women and children
Women and children first
It's cold here
I can see my breath
When I breathe out
I exhale death
No more chirping
Noone that sings
No distraction
No phone that rings

Wear your feathers
Fly day and night
Follow the sun
Escape the frozen plight
If that's easier
Then to stick with me here
To warm our hearts
To banish our fear

Go
Go with the birds
There's already snow on the firs
Me second
You first

The birds on the trees
Soon will fly South
I'll have to keep the words
From coming out of my mouth
I swallow them all
They fill my heart
Until it will have
To break apart

The sun is blinding
The other side of the world
We wave our flag
That is torn but still unfurled
We wave it to the strangest night
While we move and drink under
The cold neon light
Four years dawn
I haven't seen you for a while
I miss some details
I feel the broken corner tile
The city bleeds as I step out on the street
There are no human beings
There are only bones and meat